


F42.0

by Naarel



Category: Original Work
Genre: A lot of triggering things, F/F, Memories, OCD, Obsession, Self-Harm, Weird flashbacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-16
Updated: 2018-02-16
Packaged: 2019-03-19 09:40:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13701867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Naarel/pseuds/Naarel
Summary: A disorder characterized by the presence of persistent and recurrent irrational thoughts (obsessions), resulting in marked anxiety and repetitive excessive behaviors (compulsions) as a way to try to decrease that anxiety.





	F42.0

My teeth are tapping in the rhythm of the song. I can't explain why, but I have to do it. I have to hear it.

Standing in the tram. There's that lady who I helped a moment ago. It feels nice to help people, especially nice people. Almost like I was made to do it. 

But I wasn't.

I can feel something inside my head. Thoughts are flowing, flowing, flowing... stop. I can't. I can't see it all again.

But I do.

 

_First half of schoolyear 2016/2017_

_The task isn't that hard. I just have to name all of the sentence parts. Yeah. Verb. Noun. Preposition. All of them. I just have to focus, please, focus a little..._

_My crush does it with ease. I can see Her eyes are scanning the text. Sometimes, I just wanted to look at Her face when She focused on something. It's flawless and even the scar under Her nose is flawless as well._

_I come back to the text. What was this part again...? I could feel how sweaty I was. Oh no. Oh. No. It's gonna hit me again. Please, don't, don't, I don't want to see it again..._

_But I do._

_A vivid image. My imagination wasn't capable of doing such a thing, but there it was, a vivid image. I'm taking Her shirt off as She begs me not to do it. She cries and screams as I... as I..._

_"Is everything okay?" My teacher asks, her eyes filled with concern._

_"Y-yeah. I just need to drink a little bit more water." I lied._

_"If it helps you, go ahead."_

_I drink it. It's my way of coping with these... visions. I don't know how to call it. It's... I feel dirty. I feel like there's something really wrong with me. Like in any moment I could just go and do it to Her... what if I'll loose control? What if I'm some kind of fucking monster?_

_Monster, monster, monster, monster, monster, monster, monster, monster, monster, monster, monster, monster, monster._

 

_[Date unknown]_

_Nobody's awake. It's the middle of the night and I woke up just to get some water._

_But I found something else._

_My hands are shaking, my body fighting against it. My mind is absent, like somebody just turned the autopilot on._

_I have to... I don't know why, but I have to..._

_I hear my dad saying that it's extemely sharp._

_I know it is. It cuts my skin so smoothly. There's no blood at first. I cut it once again, again, again, again, again... there is blood. I put the knife down, as it didn't get bloody at all. Like in some kind of weird trance, I go back to my room._

_Like nothing happened. Nothing happened._

_I'm terrified. I'm absolutely terrified, but my body is strangely calm now. It's numbness bothers me. I get the compass, it's sharp point perfect for my plan. I find the cut and stab it a few times. Still, I'm numb. I start to widen the wound, I widen, widen, widen it... finally, I feel the pain. It's clouded by foggy remnants of my sanity, but it's here._

_So I go to sleep._

 

I take a look at my scars. There are more, not only on my left arm. For some reason, I like them. They remind me I've lost a fight, but I'm still participating in this hellish war. I'll beat the shit out of you, OCD. Just wait for me.

Just wait for this moment.

One day, we'll divorce for good.


End file.
